Ten.Six Hundred & Fourteen

1. So much light. The time time changes this weekend. I’m so ready for it.  

2. I grab the coat out of my closet. I’d been meaning to get it altered. Navy blue with gold buttons. Another piece of vintage Ralph Lauren found in a heap of clothes. But today he will wear it and pretend to be Robert Livingston. 

3. She says I look fancy.  

4. The young woman is bright and has so much energy. I’m envious of her energy. This is the kind of job you can only do if you’re young.  

5. We head down Vasco. The clouds are making shadows on the hills and the turbines are moving and it doesn’t even look real. It looks like a painting.  

6. Daffodils in the sunlight. Tall grass. Cows looking down on us from the steep pasture. 

7. Something about today. Maybe it was the sight of familiar faces...talking about things all of us know. Being with friends.  

8. This was the kind of week that I needed. A week of speaking and feeling heard. A week of being with others. As much as I fancy myself a homebody, I needed to be present in public spaces.  

9. Too tired to do anything else.  

10. The house is a disaster. I’m going to try not to think about it. I’m going to play word games instead. Run definitions through my head. Hope for the rain to stay away tomorrow.  

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirteen
  1. Oh. Maybe it won’t rain today.

  2. “Everyone in the car?” I turn around and see two faces. We’re good to go.

  3. The cleaning is not going to get done today and I know it won’t and I’m trying to make peace with it.

  4. I hear my name and look up and it’s a friendly face. A black face. I am at first surprised and then I remember that this is one of the reasons we came here.

  5. “Would you prefer a male or a female?” “Female. And can I ask that she be of color?” “Of course. We can do that.”

  6. Fifteen years off and on and I can say that I’ve never had a black therapist. Never. And I’ve looked but rarely was there ever anyone in my area. No one I could get to with ease. But this is why we moved here. I needed to have access to care providers that look like me.

  7. We talk about stuckness. She reminds me to not worry about the how but to hold on to the dream.

  8. We select dates for May, October, and January. It feels good to commit.

  9. She’s there waiting for me.

  10. We both gush over our California experiences today. These are the things that happen that affirm our decision to move. The stress of it all has been worth it, even if it is sending me back to therapy to gather resources to help me adjust with this major transition. The good is outweighing everything else and that puts the soul at ease.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twelve
  1. The sound of rain dripping from the gutter.

  2. Yeah, these really taste good. Not the healthiest but definitely tasty.

  3. A crack of sunshine on a cloudy morning. I start to close the garage door and then he yells, “Mom! Mom! What about Nora?!” We laugh. I open the garage door back up and see her standing in the doorway. Oh jeez. Twice in one week I’ve almost forgotten her. Pretty sure she’ll be telling her therapist about this in twenty years.

  4. Flashcards.

  5. School. She has a stomach ache and a fever.

  6. The phone cut out at 4 hours. We’ve been on the phone for 4 hours. We laugh.

  7. Now he’s asleep on the sofa. Is he sick too?

  8. Tomatoes and garlic roasting in the oven. Rosemary focaccia.

  9. He’s still sleeping.

  10. Heart chakra oil.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eleven
  1. What’s the weather supposed to be today? By the lack of light I’m guessing we’re supposed to get some rain.

  2. I’m dubious about the 100% whole wheat blueberry muffins but they look so pretty in the tin that maybe they’ll turn out just fine.

  3. Every other building is vacant. There could be so much potential here. I wonder what happened.

  4. I’m here is 10 minutes early and send her a text to let her know that I’ve parked. I send another text at 7:01 to let her know that I’m ready whenever she is. At 7:12 I send her a text telling her that I’ll be leaving soon if I don’t hear back from her. She tells me she’ll be there in 15 minutes.

  5. There’s a man walking around the parking lot in circles. He may be homeless. The biker dude who’s drinking something on ice asks him if he can buy him a coffee. The maybe-homeless man appreciates the offer but turns him down.

  6. I send her a text at 7:58 telling her I’m going home.

  7. I soothe my annoyance and disappoint with a few bunches of ranunculus and eucalyptus, Israeli couscous and a wedge of Parmesan.

  8. Tired eyes.

  9. Hot oil on the tender skin of my wrist.

  10. Ready for it to be over.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ten
  1. Biscuits for them. Hard-boiled eggs with pickled beet horseradish.

  2. The rocking chair has just the right amount of creakiness.

  3. The trowel. We make a u-turn and dig around in the garage for a trowel. A trowel.

  4. I do love seeing her face. October will come soon but I wish it was sooner. We’re coming up on a year since the last gathering. This next one…I’m so ready for the next one.

  5. So many beautiful things and yet I feel so out of place. But yes, please. This high-waisted jumper. And an ivory leather sofa.

  6. Contradictions.

  7. Chateau d’Yquem. Yes, more of this please.

  8. Surprisingly good.

  9. See you in the morning. See you in the morning? Are you sure? What I want to say is that I’m 99.9% sure that she will see me in the morning. But I also know that there is a chance that I might not. Of course I wouldn’t dare say that out loud but I always think it. I sincerely do hope I see you again in the morning. And I hope the day I don’t doesn’t come too soon.

  10. How do I get Moira Rose’s wardrobe?