Forgot the alarm again.
Blueberry cornmeal muffins. No coffee for me but I make a pot for him then gather what I need for the chai.
The smell of orange, cinnamon, cardamom, clove, and ginger.
The girl makes one for herself with frothy whole milk and the oldest boy puts his over ice. I don’t know if I’ve made enough.
I think of how maybe it won’t be a loss but a gain. That I’d gain whatever it is that a normal life feels like. How there would no longer be a need for any kind of performance. How I could just cook and just read and just make what I wanted, when I wanted, without attaching anything to it.
I always scan the cookbook shelf.
There are so many cows to name.
I go back to the grocery store for more olive oil because I feel compelled to have an aioli for these potatoes. I’m making quite an elaborate meal for a regular Wednesday. But any day can be a special day, right?
He puts the slice of peach on his fork and then adds on the arugula/basil/goat cheese for one big bite. He gives me the thumbs up. “Only because of the peach!”
Random things that catch you off guard like your tween son watching “Fixer Upper” of his own free will.
1. A thin sheet of ice over everything. Unexpected shimmer.
2. I pull enough flour together to make scones. Sift the dry ingredients. Mix in the cold, shredded butter. Pour in the heavy cream. Mix. With flour hands I shape it into a circle about 1/2-inch thick. I always tell myself thatthis takes too long. But now I know the recipe almost by heart and it takes no time at all.
3. Hot coffee. Sipped slowly. Daydreams of color stories: pinks and blues and golds and grays.
4. Where do I add life?
5. The dad-coach is extra friendly today. Over the top with smiles and laughs. Maybe he thinks they will beat us. Maybe he remembers just how poorly he behaved last time and is embarrassed.
6. We win. "Is it bad that I feel vindicated by beating him again?" "No. I'm happy too. I'm also petty like that."
7. Home for a few hours to eat BLTs and drink sparkling water in the sun. A short time cuddling in the bed with the boys and watching basketball. I think of how I don't know what to do next. About how strange it is to feel so certain that you've settled on a decision only to feel like it wasn't the right one.
8. But sometimes the good thing about decisions made in secret is that no one knows if you've changed your mind. This gives you freedom to correct your own course as needed without unwanted opinion.
9. They win their last game. It might have been the best game they've ever played. He ends the game with a 3-pointer. More than anything, I love watching him practice and play because you can tell he's passionate about it.
10. Suddenly it is night and I am sleepy and I decide to not finish the last 30 minutes of the movie in favor of a long shower and getting the fresh sheets on the bed.