Posts in Fever Dreams Collective
Ten.Three Hundred & Four

1. 2 a.m.

2. The three men in blues get on the air tran with the other woman and myself and then get off at the next stop. I didn't get a chance to extend eye contact and a "thank you." 

3. Humans in airports are an interesting phenomenon. 

4. The sun is beginning to rise and sky is stacked with deep purples and oranges, lush and moody, a fever dream in itself. 

5. I want to go to sleep but every time I close my eyes a face appears and they begin to talk to me and it's so disruptive so I keep my eyes open. 

6. Mildred Pierce. 

7. I close my eyes in between questions and answers. 

8. I'm grateful for the warmth. It's easing the return. 

9. There will be words and probably tears at some time in the future. So much to feel, too much to feel all at once. 

10. I go ahead and clean the kitchen even though I said I wouldn't. The ranunculus dried out while I was away. They remind me of our time together this weekend. Of how I wanted to cover everything with papery petals. Of how what I really mean is to be my natural self. 

Ten.Three Hundred & Three

1. The buzz buzz of my phone. Emails coming through pre-dawn. 

2. I decide to make sure I get to the bench for sunrise. I watch as the yellow light falls over the land. The tall, wild grasses look golden. The grass—a bright yellow-green. Clouds that look like mountains. 

3. I play "3x5" by John Mayer and my eyes swell a little with tears. Large sips of water.

4. I will miss this place. I will miss these women. 

5. Two deer on the hill. It feels like some kind of good omen. 

6. We hug them all good-bye. I'm almost glad that I'm so tired otherwise I might cry. Large sips of water. 

7. Jasmine and orange blossoms and lemon blossoms and eucalyptus and succulents and oaks and roses and birds of paradise and agave and rosemary.

8. But when do I get to come back?

9. I ought to speak more love over it. Yes. Yes. More love. And so I whisper apologies and then affirmations. Because I do want it to grow. 

10. I don't want to leave.

Ten.Three Hundred and Two

1. More poetry taped to doors and gifts placed on seats. I can’t stop smelling the Pali santo. 

2. How is this really the last day? I’m not ready to go yet. 

3. The sunrise this morning. How after last night’s rain the golden light makes everything look so lush and rich in color.  

4. Still waiting for coffee.  

5. This life.  

6. All of the cards keep saying the same thing: It’s time to choose. If you want to continue on this path or transformation and growth, just do the hard thing.  

7. So many smiles and so much laughter.

8. Hot coffee spilling over the sides. Everything here is spilling over: the jasmine, the clematis, the water, my heart.  

9. Driving up Grove Street, alone in the van in complete silence, only in the presence of myself and the high rolling hills, feeling that “yes, this is Home. Yes. This is Home.” 

10. Whole.  

Ten.Three Hundred & One

1. Turkey? Yes, turkey I think.  

2. The upside is that I get to hear all of the first sounds of the world waking and here it sounds unlike anything else at home. 

3. Everything here is so fragrant. I’m trying to know the names of what I see and touch.

4. Praying for my life. 

5. And this is just and experiment, an exercise in learning how to let go and stay in beginner’s mind.  

6. Of course I would find my water bottle after I’ve already bought another one.  

7. The sun, the sun, the sun.

8. All that you touch you change. All that you change changes you. I keep the light on the crown.  

9. The hills and the oaks and the olive trees. Gravel, baby ducks, the formation of clusters on the vine.  

10. There are so many things to say. I’ve forgotten to take notes like Dyana told me to. I’m just going to have to trust myself to remember.  

Ten.Three Hundred

1. 300. What a number. 

2. The sound of my feet on the wooden slats of the porch. There is no way to be quiet. 

3. Bird song. But not just some birds but all of the birds and the frogs and the sounds of the sprinklers. 

4. Feet crunching on pea gravel.  

5. Full on coffee and coffee cake and potatoes and chicken sausage.  

6. How I am both tired and exhilarated at the same time. 

7. And overwhelmed by all that there is to take in.  

8. This is the first time I’ve ever smelled a fresh orange blossom and I want to bottle it up and take it home with me.  

9. This circle. So safe.  

10. I still don’t know what day it is. But as A’Driane would say, “What is time?”