Ten.Three Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. I step out to water the garden, hoping I'll see some deer. I don't think they'll be back this year. I haven't seen foxes or coyotes or even rabbits this season. Maybe it was the control burn. 

2. I feel thirsty. 

3. Sometimes when I sit in the alcove it's as if the birds are doing a show just for me. Maybe because I'm just slightly out of view so they feel more free to dance in ways they don't when I'm so plainly in sight. 

4. I'm struggling for the words. I go back to that old prompt, What I really want to say is..., and then it all begins to flow again. 

5. Everyone is upset that we have to spend so much time out today. We drop off the car to the dealership, take Daddy to a business lunch, and then head over to the library. They are all so resistant but each find at least two books to read. I pick up a book by Gladstar on herbs, Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson, and a book on outdoor play that just happened to be on display. 

6. On the way back home from the library, everyone is reading quietly in the car. Mission accomplished. 

7. The thing is sometimes I get idea and then I have to spend a lot of time teaching myself how to make them. 

8. I forgot cheese. I am annoyed but know that really it's just fried nerves from so much driving today. I remember that tomorrow is cleaning day which means I don't have to go anywhere that I do not want to go. 

9. I need to get to the post office. 

10. There's this feeling, which is really fear and old programming, that I need to find traditional work. This keeps coming up more and more and more for various reasons. I think of how she crofts and cobbles a living for herself. I think of what that could look like for me that doesn't have me feeling so split. I also remember that this might not be so hard if I just learn to ask for help where it's needed.