Ten.Two Hundred & Eleven

1. Low hanging clouds settling over the golf course out back but I think the sun is still coming.

2. Morning pages with coffee. My writing and is slow and large today. This is intentional. I mean to be taking my time. 

3. I decided to a little vision page. These are the words and images that called to me this week. There are the images and words I'll focus on. 

4. Kindergarten/First-Grade basketball. This will be interesting.

5. He says something to me that makes me shake. I highly doubt he would have said something like this to me if I were a man. I wonder for a minute if I am oversensitive due to other stress but then remember to trust my self. I know what I am feeling. 

6. We exit the gym and on the way to the car I tell my husband about the dad-coach on the other team. How I was shaking with anger for the way he talked to me like I was a child. For the way the ref talked to me as if I was a child. Who do they think they are?

7. I am angry at them. I am angry at myself for not having stood up for myself. "You need to command your presence," he says. "I'm not used to people disrespecting me," I say. "It all caught me off guard."

8. I think about the sexism and racism at play today. How this is just the first game that myself and the other coach, another black woman, will experience like this. How maybe none of the refs or the other white dad-coaches will respect us, talk to us as if we're equals. I think about how we will feel this especially because we are two black women coaching a predominantly white team in a predominantly white league of a predominantly white suburb. 

9. I am still mad but remember what I said to him in the garage, "What you focus on expands."

10. I am still mad.