Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Slightly better than yesterday. The cold has moved from the head and down into the chest which is slightly more preferable. I can hold my head up straight but my body still aches. 

2. Showing at 10:45. 

3. He takes them to school while I slowly make my way through the bathrooms, clean the counter tops, polish the appliances, mop the floors that need mopping. He comes back and does all the vacuuming. I'm ready to be done with this. 

4. But 2 showings in 3 days feels good. It feels like another burst of momentum. 

5. He drives and I lean my head back and close my eyes. I slept for almost 13 hours and I'm still tired. It's also day 2 of no coffee. 

6. Two hours in the car, mostly quiet, mostly me with my eyes closed or me with my eyes open, staring out the window, thinking about cloud formations and how crazy it is that we humans willingly get into large chunks of metal that hurl toward one another. 

7. The upside to showings is a clean home. Who doesn't like returning to a clean home. The downside is that children usually ruin it rather quickly. 

8. He tells me that he realizes that my anger is not anger but really a fear. And he says that his job is to help me move past the fear. Because I'll never reach my dreams if I don't do it. He says I like being comfortable. That a farm hand is a great job but that I'm reaching too low. He's not wrong. But also, working on a farm at The French Laundry is no small deal either. 

9. I ask my community what they're afraid of. The answers are varied. Many are similar to my own. This is just what it means to be human. 

10. Even though I've taken the nighttime medicine, I can't seem to fall asleep. My head is filled with visions of farms and animals and drafts of emails I am supposed to send in the morning. I close my eyes and listen to the rain.