Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. 5:15. Back to normal. Head still clogged, throat dry. Perfect conditions for sitting in a dentist's chair.

2. The first light. The sliver of moon glowing more yellow than white.

3. Instant oatmeal for them today. They probably will not be too upset about that. 

4. What I'm here for, why this all started, is because of connection. Connection is what I'm here for. And for inspiration. 

5. I am late to the dentist. This time they need to numb the whole side of my face—even my eye is numb. I forgot my headphones so there's nothing to drown out the noises. I breathe through it instead. They move quickly enough. 

6. Lunch at Roka. A glass of Piper-Heidsieck and a glass of Garganega. I didn't realize I'd be seeing people. I wish I didn't look so half-alive. I wish I had worn some red lipstick at least. 

7. I clean the kitchen with my coat and shoes still on before we head back out to grab the kids from school.

8. "I just feel so behind on everything," I tell him. I know he wants specifics, but I can't say what specifically. It just feels like everything. "I hope this weekend of conversation and meditation will help," I say. I really hope it does. 

9. Maybe it's just winter getting to me. SAD. Or maybe a little depressive episode. Maybe it's just a really bad case of PMS. Maybe it's just stress. I tell him that I'm not sure I'll ever know how to relax.

10. And I know that life is feeling bigger than I can hold when I want to quit it all and start from scratch. But like, to quit everything but family and coffee and books and writing. But I also know that this feeling is temporary. That as soon as I decide to quit I will miss it all. Or maybe I wouldn't if I actually just did it? What would it look like to erase my Facebook page? To erase my Twitter handle? To just have Instagram and this blog and my journal? To just go get a regular job with hours that start and stop, where I spend time with people, get to be a little creative, and maybe get to drink really good wine as a bonus? Does this exist?