Ten.Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Slept in just long enough for it to feel good but not like my day has run away from me. 

2. Coffee. Fruit Loops with flax milk. I think I like flax milk. 

3. This corner of the gray linen sofa and the view from the window across from it. I see that the goose is back. He seems to travel alone and has made the wetlands behind the house his home. 

4. On the way in I listen to the On Being episode with angel Kyoto williams and remember that I have half-read her book, Radical Dharma. 

5. The shop is basically me boxed into 4 walls: white, green plants, heavy paper stock, Factured Goods brass spoons, succulents in tiny pots, and all the flowers. 

6. My nerves quickly dissipate. 

7. I layer eucalyptus and roses and some other plants that I can't yet name and wrap them in brown craft paper, tie them with a string. The brightness and slight sweetness of the flowery gin cocktail. 

8. The drive home is not too long, but just long enough to tire me.

9. I leave in only 2 sleeps. 

10. I needed a day like to day with so much alone time, with the sun, with flowers, with women and light chatter, with being present, with so much feeling like myself. 

Ten.Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Moody sky. The chatter of the tiny birds.

2. Cereal for breakfast. Luck Charms with flax milk. 

3. I love getting children birthday gifts that are not the usual stuff. We pick out a pot, seeds for sweet pea flowers, gardening gloves, and a garden fairy. 

4. I try to get a babysitter but remember that it's prom. 

5. Emergent Strategy feels like the right read for right now as things begin to shift. Even the words I'm using in my head are changing. They are new words that I don't yet understand but trust that I already know. Learning and unlearning. Observing and honoring the patterns that appear. 

6. "More precisely, where shame makes us freeze and try to get really small and invisible, pleasure invites us to move, to open, to grow." - Emergent Strategy

7.  Me in between them under the white down, sunlight on my face, the sound of my own breathing. 

8. Pizza and Nebbiolo. No mess to clean. Thin and crispy crust gives me pleasure. The acid in the wine gives me pleasure. 

9. Pink nails.

10. A few hugs from friends in the old neighborhood. I wonder how good of an idea it is for us to still put in time to maintain these friendships. There is the sense that this is healthy and yet for all of us, each time there is a leaving of the old town or the familiar friend, the wound is once again revealed. How do we hold but a love for the old while engaging and building the new?

Ten.Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. All the robins and the birdsong of something sweet and small. 

2. Sunrise coming up over the Meijer. An early morning run to the store for cereal and milk and just enough food for them to make a lunch. 

3. I remember the piece Danielle LaPorte wrote about how much pizza would be a staple in the family's diet when a book deadline rolled around. This is how I'm feeling about life right now. This is a week with a lot of deadlines and a lot of laundry and a lot of meals that I don't feel like making. 

4. In the basement I turn on Beyonce and lay out faux flowers on the table, find a paperclip to keep the candle from rolling around. 

5. Compliance and Defiance.

6. I want to take a nap but I want to finish this even more. 

7. Tonight, I just want to sleep.

8. In the mailbox are two books: Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates and Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown.

9. I tell her that I've been trying to figure out how to make her come out from hiding to use her powers. Because there's a younger generation that needs her wisdom. 

10. I'm feeling the future.

Ten.Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Thin white blanket over the greening grass. 

2. Ranunculus in the windowsill, looking so soft and relaxed. 

3. Light. Finally the light. 

4. I move my work station around the house, from basement to kitchen to dining room to the boy's bedroom. Always searching for the light.

5. Cravings: bed, another season of Versailles, a large salad.

6. Eating instead: a cheeseburger, fries, a glass of Banshee Pinot Noir, crème brûlée, a cup of coffee.

7. Almost. 

8. Because the ache and the knowing are too strong to ignore. I already know the changes that are to come. 

9. Still awake. 

10. I don't know why I'm turning on the t.v. I find The Twilight Zone and see that the next episode is one that I used to watch over and over and over again with my youngest when he was a toddler. I think of how we would nap in my bed after pre-school so that I could rest before we had to get the older kids to school. So much has changed and yet so much hasn't.

Ten.Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Clouds that look like mountains. 

2. Birdsong.

3. Bacon and maybe eggs and toast made in the oven because the toaster is broken. 

4. Today is for cleaning. For meeting her for lunch. For more cleaning. I need to get the wine off the wall. 

5. This is how I show care. 

6. The two of us sitting in the cafe, talking about living as a black woman, making friends as an adult black woman, wondering how we find other black women that are here, where we are, staying home and doing what we're doing while living in predominantly white spaces. How it can feel isolating. But at least we now know one another. 

7. I grab 6 pre-made tiramisus and two bunches of orange and yellow ranunculus.

8. Everything feels tight. 

9. This is all lesson in remembering to always honor the boundaries and to never allow for exceptions. That I do my best work when the container is solid and less permeable. 

10. We watch the snow begin to fall, covering the grass and parts of the sidewalk. It's so pretty you almost forget to be mad about it.